The Grief in Ending Chapters

If you’ve been following on Instagram this won’t be news to you, but if you’re new here or playing catch up, here’s a brief catch up:

Last year my partner and I signed on a beautiful studio space in central Phoenix. It had a wall of windows. It was gorgeous! I had lots of dreams for growing the business and welcoming clients there, and I was convinced I wouldn’t move until we were expanding and needed more space.

The hard part about life is when, despite your very best efforts and dreams and plans.. things go down instead of up.

Last fall my partner and I parted ways and I carried on alone. I hired friends to help me bear some of the load as long as I could. But a global pandemic had other plans. Many of our projects hit a temporary halt, and I went from having too much work for myself alone, to almost nothing.

Throughout the quarantine, it was really nice to have this office space. I would say it served as my safe place of sanity. I knew I was the only one going there, so I would go and work sometimes. Some late nights I would read books and watch youtube videos to teach myself the stock market / reading charts, so I would have something productive to do. I am so grateful I was able to hang on to it as long as I could.

At some point I knew the money was out. I would have to swallow my pride and leave. My landlords and I worked something out so I could at least leave on good terms.

I had planned on doing a big studio space reveal post with all the excitement and fanfare! And here I was, shooting my office space that was finally almost finished, and simultaneously packing boxes and selling the very furniture pieces you see here.

It’s really hard to not feel like a fraud and a failure when you’re doing that. I remember shooting the “living area” so quickly because my friend Sam was coming sometime around then to come pick up the sofa for their house! I sat down to write a post for the office space reveal so many times and no words would come. Just this heavy sadness. And then I realized that there was a sadness over this whole space almost the whole time i was here - first in mourning my partner leaving (which I think I had suppressed for so long, but I was damaging myself by doing that), and then feeling like a failure through COVID (even though it really wasn’t about me but the circumstances) - I still carried a sadness. Quietly watching my bank account siphon away to nothing. Grief. Worry. Sadness. Failure.

I realize now that this chapter that was ending is a gift. I can truly have a new start now!

Josh (my husband) was looking for a bigger warehouse space for his fabrication business. He found a great deal on a place in a more industrial area. I have a corner that I have my little desk and my painted wall and my samples in, and that’s all I need for now. It’s just me, and it’s just all my expectations of what I alone can do. And I get to see Josh a lot more often!

Anyway, now I feel like I can finally post my studio reveal with a happy heart. I am thankful for the purposes it served this past year. I’m thankful for what I learned in this space, and the people I met because of my location, and for Josh’s & my friends’ support through the whole season. I’m very thankful. It was a long and sad and hard chapter but there’s more and better ahead! I can’t wait to share more of the past projects I’ve finished up / nearing finishing, and the others that I am just starting with clients. I’ll try to be better at showing up here more. Thanks everyone for sticking with me, too! I know you all are each dealing with your own unique griefs right now through this season, but remember, the gift is that we are all experiencing this, and we can all turn this page together to a new season of gratitude and joy. <3

Wallpaper: Maison Pierre Frey “Arty” (available to the trade only)
Desk: IKEA
Light: Sazerac Stitches
Chairs: Overstock (Black is out of stock, but gray and cream are available)
Rug: Loloi Ehren rug in Oatmeal / Ivory (available on Amazon)